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Update, 2012 version.


So... I'm not quite sure what happened, but there's been weird levels of traffic lately, presumably caused by the linking of a comment which linked to a post I made in 2009 when Shakesville blew up. 

If you know me already, nothing should have changed.  Just log in, all the old content is there.  I've set anything about my personal life, illness, etc to viewable by friends only. 

New people: I feel like I shouldn't have to explain myself for something I wrote more or less privately for just my friends four years ago, but I'm sick of the private messages I'm getting and the assumptions people are making about me and what happened.  I don't like being mis-quoted and/or read out of context.  In light of that, here's what happened:

-Shakesville, even back then, was a thriving "progressive" community with a large staff of posters.  It updated somewhere between seventy and a hundred times per week. 

-There was a minor blowup about...I don't even know what.  I don't think I really understood then, either.  I don't feel like going back to try and figure it out at this point.  And shortly thereafter the whole site just went silent.  No updates, no community comments, nothing.  Just completely dark.

-In and of itself, this didn't bother me all that much.  I was a little concerned that something had happened, perhaps to a staff member or to the computers.  But four days later, the mods finally came back and explained that they had deliberately shut down everything to send a message and get the community's attention.  Basically, to manipulate us into accepting the ultimatum they came back to deliver.

-In the discussion that ensued, someone (not me) brought up the fact that it was kind of shitty of them to just disappear without telling anyone anything, and that doing so might have been triggering for some people.  This possibility was mulled over by the mods, then promptly ignored.  Further attempts to discuss it were met with indifference or ridicule. 

-THAT bothered me.  I felt hurt that people I considered friends had been purposefully manipulative towards me and many other friends, and that they refused to acknowledge that this manipulation could be hurtful in a community that contained a lot of abuse survivors.  People's needs were being dismissed, and while I never spoke up, I was one of those people.  A...guy, who used to be pretty important to me, used to text everyone all the time, then get pissed off about something, threaten to kill himself, and disappear for as long as it took to make people frantic.  One of many reasons I broke off our engagement.

-The stress of serious conflict in what I had previously believed to be a pretty stable community, of being manipulated with the same means my ex-Abuser used most frequently on me, of not having this injury acknowledged (let alone apologized for) was, on its own, only enough to make me pretty unhappy.  But at this same period of time, I had just lost my job, I was coming up on the anniversary of escaping my ex, I was dealing with a pain disorder, and a loved one was dying slowly and painfully of a cancer I have a 25% chance of having one day.

-All that stuff added up, and I was overwhelmed.  To mitigate some of the stress, I engaged in some serious comfort eating, and gave in to a nervous habit I thought I had kicked - picking at scabs and patches of dry skin on my legs until they bled.  And I blogged about what I was thinking and feeling.  A lot.  Some of it was rather exaggerated.  I didn't think anyone would see it save for a handful of close friends.  One of my posts got picked up and passed around, blown a little out of proportion. 

-Many people left the community, and afterwards there was a purging at Shakesville of those who were not "all in," who were operating "in bad faith."  I was among them.  I shrugged, found other communities to involve myself in, and never really looked back.

-That's pretty much it, really.  Go ahead and ask questions below.  Comments will be screened for content.

Another ASW strip


I love this comic.

More ASW

Because I don't actually have the strength for the post I logged in to make.


So, just when I had started to give up hope on the positions I applied for, the company I wanted most to work for calls me for a pre-interview screening. I'm supposed to hear back in a few hours about whether they want to interview me for the job.

I'm so excited!



Oh, hey!

I took a look around today and I realized that for...I'm not sure how long now, I've been feeling pretty sane. Hyper-vigilance is back down to normal, manageable levels, I've stopped engaging in self-destructive behavior, and I have the emotional resources to look after both my boys. Just in time, too, as CB has come down with a nasty cold.

I needed a laugh

thank you internet
This is kind of funny, kind of sad, but someone linked me this page on popular board game rules, as written by the children of broken homes, and it made me smile. Thought I'd share it.

Gothic Gaslamp Games

I've discovered a new game today - it runs partially through twitter, and takes place in a strange alternate-dimension version of Victorian London that has managed to fall into hell.

I loved it from the moment I hit the character creation screen and was asked "are you a gentleman or a lady?" and was offered three options - the two obvious answers, plus "My dear sir, there are individuals roaming the streets of Fallen London at this very moment with the faces of squid! Squid! Do you ask them their gender? And yet you waste our time asking me trifling and impertinent questions about mine? It is my own business, sir, and I bid you good day."

It only gets better from there.

A familiar tune

If all them young laddies were cones of ice cream
The ways that I'd lick them just might seem obscene
Roll your leg over, roll your leg over
Roll your leg over, its better that way.

If all them young laddies were bakers of pies,
And I were the bread yeast, I'd make them all rise
Roll your leg over, roll your leg over
Roll your leg over, its better that way.


Also, my CollarMe signature, 'cuz its relevant to my icon. "Stop talking at me about your joystick and buttons. Tell me about the game."



So THIS is what it feels like to not be in pain!

*loves Lidoderm SO DAMN MUCH*


A Softer World